So they say that transition is the most difficult part of labor. I think transition is generally the most difficult part of life (I'm not so good at change). Since I had an epidural, transition in labor was not even a smidgen as difficult as transition to being a mommy. Don't get me wrong I love being a mommy, but I've had my moments.
Maybe it is because my brain has shriveled up and died? (The other day at the pediatrician's office I could not think of any appropriate words to use to answer the doc's questions. I was saying things like "they took her away in the thingy to do that stuff to her" or "she had an IV with what-do-you-call-it in it because they thought she had the word that starts with a c". I kid you not, that was what my conversational skills were like that day. I'll bet she'd never in a million years guess that I am a college graduate the way I wowed her with my verbal prowess.) (Another tangent that makes me feel better: According to this article a pregnant woman's brain appears to shrink during pregnancy and can take up to 6 months to regain it's pre-prego size (like the rest of me...). True or not? Let me believe so I can feel better about myself. Thankyou. :) )
Maybe it is because I can't always calm Grace as quickly as I'd like?
Maybe it is because I don't get much human interaction (scratch that...adult interaction - I have plenty of human interaction)?
Maybe it is because I used to go to school and/or work all day, every day and now I do nothing (it seems)?
Maybe it is because there are so many crazy hormones shooting through my body it has no idea what to do?
I've decided I like to work with my hands. I can get things done and admire what a good (or not so much) job I did. But I can immediately see the results nevertheless. Mommying is not like that. (Thought: maybe this is God teaching me patience? I've never been much good at that.) You put forth all of your last bits of love and effort and you still have an adorable red-faced creature squawking at you for who knows what reason? Sometimes it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now, Rob is fantastic at letting me know how much he appreciates me, but sometimes I feel like a blob. Sure I clean, I blog, I make dinner (most of the time), I shower, and most of the time I feel good about what I can accomplish. But every once in a while I feel like a failure. Take yesterday for example. I forgot that we had an event to attend at 6 pm and so I didn't start dinner early enough to be able to eat it before we left. I felt totally silly that I had spent the day reading blogs when I could have taken 30 minutes to think about dinner. I felt like a failure. Now, I know (now) that I wasn't failing at wifeing and mommying, but I felt like it. I cried and felt sorry for myself and poor Rob didn't know what to say to make me feel better. Now, don't go calling my midwife up and telling her that I've got post-partum depression. I don't. I was only a 6 (? I don't know out of how much) according to the quiz (? because that's a good way to tell?) I took at my last appointment which I was told is apparently not anything to worry about. Anyway, for recovery usually all I ever need is some food in my belly and a good sleep and I feel much better. I fully attribute my "craziness" to a nasty combination of hormones, tiredness and soaring expectations of myself. Roger Anderson said it perfectly when he said that "you just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."
I don't write this because I want sympathy. Usually life is peachy, but sometimes... I just think that I am not alone and it's refreshing to hear others' experiences so you don't think that you alone are crazy. Plus it's therapeutic and kind of fun to write it out. :)
Really, how can I not love mommying when I have this beautiful baby smiling at me (most of the day)?
By the way, it took 40-gagillion terrible pictures to get this one cute one. Happy 2 month birthday Grace!
8 comments:
Well I can tell you love your daughter, but I have to be honest: that post was a good form of birth control for me.
Good thing those little chubs are so cute!
PS - Yep back at NPMP. They gave me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Motherhood is so much harder than I expected. The work is so constant and it's even harder when you have a newborn and you are sleep deprived. Grace looks healthy and happy and she is lucky to have you guys are her parents. Blogs can be good therapy! We are all going through it and it's hard, no question. I still occasionally get so fed up that I start sending out resumes so I can work in an office again and get some rest at a desk and have a lunch break. That would be the life. But then I could never put my kids in day care. I freak out if I have to leave them just to go grocery shopping. Good luck and hang in there!
hey amanda, I love your blog already. I'm grateful for people who are humorous and are good at expressing themselves! It was so fun to see you the other day and to actually meet Grace. It's great reading this post and remembering when my days went EXACTLY like yours. But all I keep thinking now is, wow, I had it so easy then, what was I doing stressing about entertaining my baby so much? and stressing about being an awesome mom/wife/friend/person. I know you're fabulous (you can't help yourself, your amanda). It'd be fun to play again soon sometime!
I have to reiterate what Trine said. I also think about having one little baby and oh it was so easy then. Toddlers are hard. (Teenagers are probably harder.) I found motherhood to be a difficult transition. I love it, but it is weird to not be able to leave your job, like you can when you are not a mother.
I honestly thought that "pregnancy brain" was a myth... until I started getting it! I think my work was glad I left when I did so they didn't have to explain to customers why their teller was incompetent! You're a great mom and wife, you're new at it so of course youre not perfect! (although no one is for that matter!) just keep up the good work! :)
Thnk you for being a wonderful parent.
That is a beautiful gazillionth picture. Aren't digital cameras great.
The kids are really worth it all.
Well, when you get a chance to travel head this way. I would love to meet your husband and my new cousin. And don't worry, you don't have to be a mommy to have long spouts of brain farts. It happens to the best of us. Love ya much. :)
Ok I am now back from my absence of commenting. Since I've been training for my new job I haven't had much time to comment on what I read. Anyway! I love this post. You are a very intuitive writer and although I can't empathize with mommyhood quite yet, I can sympathize with the difficulty of transition (hence the reason we will have lived in the Villa Rose for 4 years) and a brand new lifestyle.
Grace is beautiful and you seriously did look amazing when I saw you. We can't wait to hang out for the Utah game!
By the way, I wish I would've seen your 'what is love' post earlier. You're probably done with your project but I want to add my opinion: Love is....being able to pee with the door open. :)
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